Good morning/afternoon/evening, you beautiful people!
I would first of like to express my gratitude to God for reaching this age, growing up and older is something that I don't take for granted.
It's my 19th birthday today and I wanted to share some nuggets of wisdom that I have picked up.
1) It's okay not to be okay
This saying has been floating around for a while and I am grateful for that. It's not normal to be happy and giddy all the time, there needs to be a balance in emotions. The good and the bad, it all serves a purpose in our lives. There comes a time where composure is necessary but I feel that putting a brave face on all the time is unhealthy. Emotions are natural and being sad, disappointed, angry or confused are completely normal emotions. Being vulnerable and openly sharing how you truly feel (with the right person) is okay and normal!
2) The importance of gratitude
Looking at how far we have come on this adventure called life is encouraging. To get to where you are right now even though it may not be easy. It has taken grace, favour and a leap of faith. Don't forget the prayer and guidance it took to get to where you are now.
3) Don't play the blame game
It's tempting, I know. I feel like it's more of a trap than anything else. Bad things happen to everyone, it's one of the down sides of being human. 90% of your life is how you choose to react to the cards handed to you. That's a pretty large percentage. There is nothing wrong with being upset for being let down but I don't believe that pointing fingers will help. This leads to a sense of entitlement because whoever wronged you ''now has to make it right'', in your mind. I honestly believe that what is meant to destroy us and prevent us from living our full potential can be used to propel us even further. If and only if we look at what we can learn and do to succeed moving forward. Just because we were wronged does not give us permission to waste what's left of our only life, blaming those who failed to protect or provide for us.
4) Follow your heart, listen to your conscience
Your heart knows the way. Trusting in your intuition will save you from possible life-threating situations. Learning to trust your inner guidance and conscience will help you know whether something is right or wrong. It will help you to know whether to take up that opportunity or let it pass because it's not meant for you.
5) It's okay to dream big
We all have dreams inside of us. Whether it's settling down with a kind-hearted, God-fearing man and having two kids or becoming a musician. It's completely okay to dream those dreams because you need to know what you want to get what you want. I think that it will also make you appreciate it more because you wanted it all along. As long as you are willing to put the work that it takes to attain and maintain the blessing of success and happiness, dream big, baby! This world needs more people who dream big and unashamedly go after them.
6) What's important to you, does not have to be important to others
Not everybody will understand or value what you do and that's okay. It does not make them bad people but it means that what you value, you have to make a priority in your life. Not everyone will understand or be supportive but as long as you are not hurting anyone or breaking the law, it's okay to care. It's what makes you unique and special, what you value and find fascinating is not dependent on someone else.
7) Learning non-traditionally is so valuable
Going to school is important but why? It teaches us important skills that we will need later on in life such as people skills or how to write a CV. I strongly believe that education does not start or end with traditional education system. I believe that acquiring skills is really important and will uncover your passions and help you to achieve your goals in this highly competitive world.
8) Your value does not lay in your physical appearance
You are more than curves and muscles. Something I wish I had known and fully understood years ago. How you look like has nothing to do with what you bring to the table. Your kindness, goodness, faithfulness, work ethic and strive have nothing to do with your body. In the words of India Arie, ''I am not this hair, I am this skin. I am the soul that lives within.''
9) Be kind, unconditionally
''Be kind'', I think that any of you who are active on social media have seen this floating around and I agree with it. I feel that being kind to those that are kind back is easy because it's mutual and you are getting something back in return. I feel that true kindness is being kind to who are not, to those who would not do the same and perhaps even spit at you if they had the chance. To me being kind is not allowing your behaviour to differ from person to person. I do believe your boundaries should differ depending on the person and your relations with them but I think that your general behaviour shouldn't. It's about being kind because it's the right thing to do, it's about being kind for God and no one else. I feel that this makes being kind easier because you are not expecting anything in return.
10) Carrying shame does not sustain long-lasting change
Shame is a feeling that I am sure we are all familiar with. Ever stolen something or lied to a loved one and felt so guilt ridden and ashamed that you had to come clean? Well, that's shame, the good kind, the kind of shame that is promoted by our conscience and that saves the world from being completely evil. There's also a bad kind of shame. For me I know that I am imperfect and was shamed into attempting to become 'makoti' (wife) worthy material. I know that I am not that cleanest nor the most handy of women and I would like to improve in those areas for myself.
In hindsight I realized why the changes that were being forced into me never lasted. While these principles came from a good place, my elders who were teaching me thought that it would make me a stronger woman and because of that I would be able to attract a good mate. At age 16- 18, I was at the height of my depression and felt lost and worthless. I did not understand why I was being judged and not accepted just I was. Through it all I tried my utmost best to be there and show up, I was still failing and in their eyes, I was not good enough. That broke me and sure enough whatever little progress that I had made towards being neat and clean vanished. It never lasted because it never came from me. Yes, I wanted to be clean and neat but to me it was never about being good enough for my non-existent in-laws and so I rebelled! I rebelled because I felt misunderstood and I was raised to not care what people think of me and here I was being told the complete opposite.
This then led to me feeling ashamed and fearful. I felt that I was not good enough for anybody and I did not feel good about myself. While I was in this horrendous cycle, I spent some time doing some self-introspection and I came to realize this. Feeling shame about not being where you would like to be is not helpful because shame is a draining emotion. It leads to other problems such as self-doubt and fear. It cripples you and enables self-pity and loathing to take root in your life. So fight against shame! I advise that you rather be honest with yourself about where you are at and what you can do to get better but also it's so important to know why you want to improve, remember your reasons are your fuel.
11) The importance of character development
We are all flawed as human beings but it is important to grow and learn from one's mistakes. To be able to apologize (from the heart) when you are in the wrong is important in order to grow. To be able to try and see things from someone else's point of view. To look inwardly and improve oneself mentally is just as important as the physical aspect. They go hand-in-hand and in fact I think that mental improvement is more important than looking like Barbie.
12) Being able to handle pressure well
I wholeheartedly believe that the ability to handle deadlines, expectations and different people is an important skill to develop. It's something that I am personally still working on but being able to handle pressure well makes you more competent. It will make you more organized, versatile and it will aid you to be calm, no matter the situation.
13) The value and importance of sportsmanship
I believe that it is important to be genuinely happy for other people, especially when they have attained exactly what we desire. I believe that this is a test of faith. Forget about other people and no longer being credible after a tantrum of selfishness. I believe that being able to clap and be happy for someone else is showing God that you are ready for blessing. That you can be joyful and content with what you have, even though you are praying, working and hoping for more. It relates back to the golden rule. It feels good when others clap and are happy for you so do the same for others, it really does come back to you.
14) Self-sabotage
This is quite the touchy subject for me because it's something that was quite a struggle in my life but know that sabotaging yourself will only drag you further in the long run. I know it may be difficult, because it has become something that you have become conditioned to. You may not feel worthy of trying, or you may be afraid of actually succeeding. I urge you to try slowly each day to do something that you are uncomfortable with, something that deep down you know will help but something you may not want to do but you need to do.
15) Hype yourself up!
Don't be afraid to hype yourself up! Validation comes from within!😙 You need to step up, baby and tell yourself how beautiful, strong, and capable you are! It all starts from within, it all starts with you!
16) Don't compare yourself, even to your past self
I know that you are most probably familiar with this concept but I truly believe that comparison even to your past self is dangerous. You are not the same person that you were last year. You are not the the expectations of what you should have accomplished. The idea that you have to 'bounce back' to that person is not fair. Just as it would unfair to compare yourself to your desk mate or yourself in primary school. We learn, we grow, we fall and we rise, it's apart of the journey. I personally believe that it's best to work with where you are at. Be honest and non-judgmental.
17) Forgiveness
Forgiveness is journey, I know that now. Forgiving those that have hurt you is important but it first starts with forgiving oneself. This is a hard one because sometimes looking back at some of the nonsensical mistakes that I have made in the past, I inwardly cringe and hate myself for being so foolish and human. I now know that being able to forgive others, first starts with me. Being able to look at myself and say, 'yes, I did that! yes, I made that mistake and although I am not proud of it, I forgive myself for doing (insert mistake here).'' This is something that may need to be done daily for days, weeks or possibly months and that's completely okay. True forgiveness is not a flip or light switch that can be turned on and off. It is a decision, a conscience choice to let go and not allow what ever has happened in the past to remain, ferment and rot inside you. Once self-forgiveness has occurred it makes forgiving others just a little bit more easier.
18) Trauma
When I was younger, I had the misconception that for trauma to be valid it had to be intense. It had to be witnessing a murder or being sexually assaulted. I have come to realize just how wrong I was. Trauma is not a one dimensional event and is not dependent on the views and opinion of others. Everyone is different and two people who experienced the exact same thing will react differently to it based on the difference in character, religion, tolerance, method of dealing with pain and much more. Whatever has traumatized you is valid. Whether other people disagree or you are the only one who knows and are ashamed, it does not make your pain and struggle any less valid.
19) Parents are human, too
It's hard to imagine that at some point in time our parents were our age too, that at some point they were not parents and were kids and young adults themselves. I feel that parents are put on such a high pedestal that when they make a mistake it's seen as the biggest sin known to man! Parents, Moms and Dads are people too. They have not lost their humanity in exchange for parenthood. Most parents love, care for and only want the best for their children, so when they are seemingly harsh, try to see it from their point of view. Raising a child is not easy, being there for someone who loves and depends on you takes a lot and refusing to leave when it's difficult take courage and strength. So let's try to remember that even if we may not have the best relationship with them, remember that they are amazing, intelligent, flawed human beings just like you and I. I think that knowing this makes it easier to try and meet them in the middle. If your parents are responsible, there is so much that you know nothing about, so many concerns, worries and prayers.
Well that's it for this year's edition, please let me know what life lessons you have learnt along this journey called life.
Thank you for being here exactly as you are!🙏
I love you all so dearly!
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