While, hi, my name is Ruthy and I have daddy issues. (feels like I am in a Daddy Issues Anonymous Group! )
I initially knew what I wanted to say to you all but words have failed me. Which is surprising because writing is my best form of communicating and conveying my feelings, thoughts and prayers.
I had a grand letter prepared in mind but as I lie in bed writing to you, all I feel is deep sorrow. So, firstly, I want to say, I am so sorry for all the pain and loneliness that you have had to endure. I want you to understand that it's not your fault, it never has been and it never will be.
I want you to know that it's okay to feel sad. It's more than okay to wish or have wished for a different story. It's okay to wish for a better ending, it's okay to grieve never have been loved the way that you needed to be. It's okay to feel this way and still choose to believe that somehow your parent did their best, even if their best was not a story with you. That doesn't reflect on you.
My Dearest, that doesn't reflect your worth nor your value. For these are not tied to our family relations, else we all would be doomed! As you grow older, you decide who you want to be. I understand the hurt, the pain, the rage, the disappointment and I need you to feel it. Feel it all, allow yourself to cry every night for several nights on end, if that's what you need to do. But don't fight for someone's love, as you grow, learn to choose yourself.
It's okay to still miss whatever memories that you may have shared. It's okay to cherish them in a little old box of memories and it's even more okay to not have any. It's okay if your story is not the cookie cutter definition of what it means to not have a parent. Perhaps they are still alive, perhaps they are not. Perhaps you still communicate in some way, perhaps you do not.
This seems like such a random conversation on windy Sunday night but I am speaking to myself and I know my human experience is in no way unique, meaning that someone out there is going through what I am. In light of this I want you to know that you need to process your hurt in order to heal. Time doesn't always heal, it decays too if you do not deal with what hurts you. Please kindly, allow yourself to be without judgement.
You are worthy, don't deny yourself of what you deserve or need out of fear of repeating the pattern that you have seen. You can choose differently❤️.
Instead of a question of the week, I'll leave you with homework of week: Do your best this week to leave fear behind and allow yourself to grieve, without the fear of being broken. Let's talk again, next Sunday 💕.
All my love
Ruthy ❤️
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